Commentary: December 2005 Archives

My US address seems to have gotten on some sort of odd mailing list. I received the following letter in the mail:

Dear Jacob, This is a personal letter just to you. Notice: this is not a mass mailing; this letter came to you by first-class mail, not by third-class bulk mail. This is not a solicitation for money. In fact, you will get something of immense value from us absolutely free with no strings attached... Jacob, please keep what I tell you a secret, because this information is confidential. These words are meant for you only

This is Jacob again. I hope you're paying attention. The letter was sent by first class mail. That means that everything it says is true. And if that's not convincing enough, the letter actually addresses me by name at multiple points. If this weren't a personal letter, how could they possibly do that?

There has existed for many years an exclusive association, a secret society, of the world's most famous and powerful people. These include renowned actors and musicians, leading scientists and intellectuals, self-made entrepreneurs and artists, millionaires, professional gamblers, Casanovas, statesmen. Many of these people you would instantly recognize. Before I go on, let me state that everything you read here is absolutely and verifiably true.

This association has uncovered some shockingly powerful secrets. And they share these secrets only amongst themselves. In fact, these secrets are the reason these well-known individuals have achieved great prosperity.

Jacob, I have some incredibly exciting news to share with you. Members of this association ahve analyzed your profile (you'd be unbelievably flatterred if you knew who tehse individuals were). Please forgive them, but they've discovered something special about you.

It seems you, Jacob, possess several rare traits they are searching for. Because of these traits, which we'll talk about later, the have chosen you to become part of their exclusive club and to share their secrets, too, absolutely free! By the way, as you read this, you may be saynig to yourself that this is all a bunch of hooey. But I swear on a stack of Bible [sic] this is all true!

At this point, I was convinced. Anybody could put together a stack of Bibles. But somebody who could make a stack consisting of a single Bible must have uncanny powers indeed! And if that's not convincing enough, it includes a testimonial from "a TV celebrity and copywriter" who won't reveal his name, so we can't know which of the millions of famous, erm, copywriters he is. But he has lost weight, become irresistible to beautiful women, and made millions of dollars using the secrets of the "Nouveau Tech Society," which could be mine absolutely free.

So, obviously, this letter is entirely true and accurate. But why does everybody else on the web seem to think Nouveau Tech is a total scam? Stop being so cynical, people. When has a world famous copywriter ever lied to you?

I'm reading The Wisdom of Crowds, and I came across the following passage:

After a detailed study of American foreign-policy fiascos, including the Bay of Pigs invasion and the failure to anticipate Pearl Harbor, [psychologist Irving] Janis argued that when the decision makers are too much alike -- in worldview and mind-set-- they easily fall prey to groupthink. Homogeneous groups become cohesive more easily than diverse groups, and as they become more cohesive they also become more dependent on the group, more insulated from outside opinions, and therefore more convinced that the group's judgment on important issues must be right. These kinds of groups, Janis suggested, share an illusion of invulnerability, a willingness to rationalize away possible counterargument to the group's position, and a conviction that dissent is not useful.

In the case of the Bay of Pigs invasion, for instance, the Kennedy administration planned and carried out its strategy without ever really talking to anyone who was skeptical of the prospects of success. The people who planned the operation were the same ones who were asked to judge whether it would be successful or not. The few people who voiced caution were quickly silenced. And, most remarkably, neither the intelligence branch of the CIA nor the Cuban desk of the State Department was consulted about the plan. The result was a bizarre neglect of some of the most elemental facts about Cuba in 1961, including the popularity of Fidel Castro, the strength of the Cuban army, and even the size of the island itself. (The invasion was predicated on the idea that 1,200 men could take over all of Cuba)

It's a good thing we've learned from our mistakes, and no presidential administration would ever silence internal dissent while making a vital foreign policy decision, leading to a major military debacle.

Ways Paul Simon Might Have Advised Leaving Your Lover If He Had Been Born In India
Say "No, danke," Banke.
Make yourself disappear, Samir.
Send her off on some kind of wonky safari, Bankebihari.
Tell her to ride back out on the horse she rode in on, Bollywood star Salman Khan.
It-spay on her in-chay, Chinmay
Send her on a plane flight after you've spiked her carry-on luggage with hashish, Debashish.
Sneak off to Marikech, Harikesh.
Just poison her naan, Ishaan. You don't need a big plaan, maan.

Ways Paul Simon Might Have Advised Leaving Your Lover If He Only Wrote Songs About Members of the Bach Family
Tell her she will find somebody who will provide for her better than you will, Carl Phillip Emmanual.
Just poison her naan, Wilhelm Friedeman.
Write a cantata using ornate contrapuntal harmony to set a text informing her that you wouldn't touch her if you were an alcoholic and she were Earth's last gin, Johann Sebastian.

Like anybody else with e-mail, I get all sorts of virus-laden messages, accompanied by a flimsily transparent attempt to get me to double-click on the attached Trojan Horse-- "I think you will find the attached file interesting," or "What do you think of this?" or "I am naked!" I find these all very easy to ignore.

Today, though, I got one that stabbed me with such force, I almost forgot myself and double-clicked on the attachment. The message said, in its entirety:

"You are a bad writer."