Life In London: December 2005 Archives

The second best thing about this news article is the opening paragraph:

A 63-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of conspiracy to blackmail the owners of a Staffordshire guinea pig breeding farm.

The first best thing is that the article never mentions what, exactly, the guinea pig breeders were being blackmailed over, as if it were so blatantly obvious what kind of dirty secret Staffordshire guinea pig breeders are harboring that there is no need to embarrass the breeders, the guinea pigs, or ourselves by spelling it out.

The only hint the article gives is the following cryptic paragraph:

The owners of the breeding centre - Darley Oaks Farm - are related to Gladys Hammond whose body was taken from a churchyard in Yoxall, Staffs, last year.

It seems pretty clear to me what has taken place. One lightning-lit night in Staffordshire, some mad fool created an unholy fusion of deceased human and living guinea pig, thereby unleashing forces they couldn't possibly understand. And rather than summoning Dr. Van Mitschlag--the one man who might put an end to this menace--the villainous 63-year-old woman and her cohorts blackmailed the mad breeders, ultimately sowing the seeds of their own destruction.

But, please, forgive me for belaboring the obvious.

[SCENE: A take-away Greek restaurant counter next to the Tottenham Court Road Tube. The guy behind the counter is waiting on a customer.]

GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER (in a heavy Greek accent): So, where are you from?
CUSTOMER (in a crisp British accent): London.
[The Guy Behind The Counter looks skeptically at the Customer, who appears to be of some non-British ethnic group.]
GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER: No, but where are you originally from?
CUSTOMER: My mother's womb.
[The Guy Behind The Counter hasn't heard of this country, but doesn't wish to offend.]
GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER: Oh, very nice.